March Madness is canceled, the NBA is shut
down, the Masters is postponed, and my Aunt Marge’s senior bowling has even
thrown in the towel. Now restaurants and bars are closed, and our 40-handicap
governor is threatening to shut down all entertainment facilities including
golf courses. I have not tested positive, but the coronavirus is killing me.
There is nowhere to go and nothing to do. My wife suggested
we take a walk, but I don’t walk anywhere unless I have a golf club in my hand
and it’s cart path only.
My kids have a restraining order on us and won’t let
us come within 200 yards of the grandchildren. And we can no longer eat out,
but when we tried to cook at home, there were cobwebs in the oven.
The network channels are inundated with coverage of the
virus. The golf channel has been showing reruns of old tournaments, which are
almost as riveting as watching my brother-in-law’s video of his family camping
trip to Yellowstone.
Paranoia is off the tracks. Before the
shutdown, we were having dinner at a local bar. I let out a loud sneeze and
everyone at the surrounding tables started yelling "check please." My
stock portfolio is plummeting and most of our cash is currently invested in
toilet paper. I am washing my hands 137 times a day. I don’t touch anyone. I
don’t even touch myself. I have been using tongs to go to the bathroom. This
has to stop.
Our society and economy have been crippled by a microscopic
virus. Scientists have not yet determined the exact origin but have narrowed it
down to some moron in China eating Bats or other exotic animals. And no
one is sure how to prevent or cure it. In the past, the ways to prevent
contracting a contagious disease were simple: don’t eat in restaurants with numerous
health violations and wash your hands after using a public bathroom.
Our Golf foursome does not pose a medical
risk to mankind. My friend, George is virus-free. Social distancing has not
been a problem for him. Other than us, he doesn’t have any friends. Bob, my
neighbor is a urologist who has been working from home for several weeks. He
has developed a way to do remote prostate exams by having patients sit on their
cell phones. And our other partner, Jerry tested himself with a kit he bought
online. However, he thinks he may have gotten the wrong kit. It showed no traces
of the virus but indicated that he was pregnant with twins.
As the pandemic plays through, it is giving
us a glimpse into our inevitable future where all meals are delivered, all
entertainment comes through the tv screen, and all human interaction is through
our cell phone. Where schooling is online at home, exercise is on a stationary
bike in our basement, medical testing is done at drive-thru windows, and
colonoscopies are performed at Jiffy Lube. The world is changing. It is
becoming less interpersonal as technology consumes us. So now that we have time
on our hands, everyone should take a moment to cherish this fading era, when
friends still get together to hit a little ball around an open field for no
good reason other than to enjoy the companionship of their fellow man.
Author---Unknown
